• The "WE DON'T GO TOGETHER" (W)RIGHTS!

    The phase "WE DON'T GO TOGETHER," has infiltrated a lot of my conversations lately. Largely becuase since I've reentered the dating scene, I've had to stress this to some that have the game "fucked up." You see, there seems to be a lot of men that want YOU to "go with" them, yet they don't want to "go with" you. As commonly seen on social media... GTFOHWTBS!!

    Funny (and not so funny), I ran across a meme with an interesting perspective: DATING IN 2016. Let's be friends. Just friends. I'm not ready for a relationship but I expect you to do things considered inappropriate in terms of a friendship. You can't claim me, yet you can't be with anyone else but me. I need you to be loyal but I'll do what I want. If you catch feelings, I'll become distant. You knew what this was... I told you, I'm not ready for a relationship. We're just friends.

    That's cool; I GOT IT! And since we're "friends," that means... "WE DON'T GO TOGETHER!" And as such, I have RIGHTS!

    THE "WE DON'T GO TOGETHER" RIGHTS!

    7. We are both free to see other people. PERIOD!

    6. We will not introduce friends at this level.

    5. There will be NO questions regarding social media and the preference is that we not be "Friends," or "Follow" each other.

    4. Daily communication is SUBJECTIVE

    3. The ONLY appropriate question regarding "others" is, "Have you put my sexual health at risk?" BUT ONLY IF... we are engaging in sexual behavior. Otherwise... NO QUESTIONS about "others."

    2. We are NOT accountable to each other in times not spent together.

    1. Information NOT shared is NOT:

    a) A secret

    b) A lie

    c) A deception

    What it is, is... NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!! Why???

    BECAUSE WE DON'T GO TOGETHER!!

    Now... if you want TWO OR MORE of these things to change, then let's have a discussion about moving this "interaction" forward and maybe GO TOGETHER! If not, FOLLOW THE RULES AND STFU!!

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  • "I don't like the name 'Urban Dialog.'"

    I had a real cool moment with a young brother recently and it just ran across my mind as I was writing "@urbandialog" on a meme I was putting together for one of my social media places. I was on a ski trip, doing two "URBAN DIALOG with Suzette" shows. This gentlemen had been to the show the night before and he was giving a review of sorts and he says... "I just don't like the na...." and PAUSE.... Stillness. I say (bc I knew what was coming)... "No, say it! You don't like the name 'Urban Dialog.' It's cool... say it!"

    See the thing is... critiques with good intentions are an opportunity for GROWTH!! And if you know me AT ALL, you know I'm ALWAYS looking for another perspective. I know that... IT'S HARD TO SEE THE PICTURE WHEN YOU'RE STANDING IN THE FRAME! And my peripheral is only 180... I like to know what I can't see! And honestly it's one of my most vulnerable moments; when I hear someone speaking of me, in it's regard or what I've created. Yet I'm an Emotionally Intelligent woman who knows someone else's perspective isn't personal TO ME. It's an opinion based on THEIR attitudes and life experiences. I'm ok with that!

    I don't remember exactly how the next few exchanges went but I ended up explaining how the name came about and why I'm good with it. "Urban" in the literal sense means "in, relating to, or characteristic of a city or town." I live in the 3rd largest metropolitan city in the country, it fits! But I knew this was not what he was talking about. Over the years, "Urban" has become synonymous with "Black." And it's been used in some most unflattering ways when describing us as a people... So I get it!! Yet here it is...

    While it is my hope that there becomes more diversity in my audience, it is my MISSION for those who attend and/or watch, know that THEY ARE WELCOME... to this space for BLACK PEOPLE to have THEIR (BLACK) VOICE HEARD!

    "URBAN DIALOG with Suzette," is an UNAPOLOGETIC space where we as a "urban/Black" people can, and DO speak freely about OUR thoughts, OUR experiences and OUR LIVES! Here... We are UNAPOLOGETICALLY BLACK!! So for everyone else, "buckle up!!" Please understand, EVERYONE is free and WELCOME to voice their opinions in my space but the predominate voice is OURS! #SorrySORTA (...which means not at all!)

    So, please understand that I'm perfectly ok with someone hearing "Urban" and thinking "Black," because I WANT THEM TO!

    By the time I was done expounding to this gentlemen, I was receiving a nod of approval. He explained that with my explanation, he could se the name's fit and had in fact changed his mind a bit. And while I wasn't trying to "win him over," nor get him to change his mind, I was hoping he could see my perspective. Because THAT is the other mission of #UDwSuz; to share and RESPECT perspectives no matter how different!

    URBAN DIALOG with/Suzette returns for it's 12th Season Wednesday, APRIL 20th...

    Join the DIALOG everyone is talking about!"

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  • What makes someone UNDATEABLE?

    Not too long ago on my Facebook page I asked "#QUESTION: How long after a divorce/break-up do you wait before you date someone?" The replies were filled with various opinions but also a lot of "why" people were currently not dating. After quite a few replies someone noted how messed up we all are. And it's true, at this age you've been to the circus (quite a few times) and you've seen the show (and 90% of the acts).

    Between this post and the DAILY posts I see from my other Facebook "Friends," it is CLEAR quite a few of us have been HURT! The post I see vary from the passive aggressive, "Real Women don't..." and "Real Men should always..." to hateful and resentful post about the opposite sex. I don't think a day goes by that I don't see a DIS to the opposite sex in regards to relationships and dating. So it got me to thinking today, "#QUESTION: What makes a person UNDATEABLE?" The question came to mind largely because, these sorts of disses, makes someone UNDATEABLE TO ME!

    If we're Facebook "Friends" it will come as no surprise that I've often been described as "High Maintenance," when it comes to dating but honestly it's that I have HIGH EXPECTATIONS! #TwoDifferentDifferences And while there are PLENTY of superficial things I could name in regards to someone being UNDATEABLE, there really are just two things that cancels someone out for me. 1) Holding on to baggage from previous relationships and 2) Not being conscience of or responsible for the their personal energy.

    I've done too much WORK getting rid of my own relationship baggage to consider carrying anyone else's that didn't have shit to do with me. I don't think I've been hurt, betrayed or disrespected any less or more than the next person. However, since I started dating last year, I've realized not everyone has done their own work. I've sat on date after date listening to men complain of being taken advantage of and being hurt by women. OK... Ok... ok! I get it. BUT WE ALL HAVE, right? I mean, don't get me wrong, it's cool to talk about previous experiences. Yet, when they are spoken of as if they happened just yesterday and it's been over 8 months or more... DUDE, you might want to consider therapy. I understand all too well how hurt feelings linger. HOWEVER, that's a self-inflicted pain that I no longer participate in. (*See my previous blog about acceptance) Therefore, I will not cloud the peaceful space that I've created with someone else's relationship baggage. I can't fix the problem someone else created. So if a man is still wrapped up in hurt and resentful feelings of a previous relationship... Stamped and certified... UNDATEABLE!

    The second of the two is most important. Your personal energy says EVERYTHING about you. And if a person is not conscience of it they have not idea how to control, use or change it when need be. Your energy is what attracts EVERYTHING that comes in and out of your life... PERIOD! Your energy emits from thoughts you carry, which also manifest into words you speak. So when someone is consistently speaking resentful and hateful words in regards to relationships, it is that same energy they will attract. I CAN'T BE BOTHERED WITH THAT!!! And more importantly, THAT'S NOT THE ENERGY I EMIT! So I can't create a successful SYNERGY with that.

    I seek a more PEACEFUL existence. I make an effort to watch my energy and act responsibly with it in a couple of ways. If I'm in a funk, I REMOVE MYSELF from people and situations as to not have my energy absorbed by others; it's not fair to them. But wait... I'm not ALWAYS successful, although you can for damn sure bet I try to save others from myself when need be. And the other way is all spelled out in that aforementioned previous blog about acceptance. I don't spend energy on things I can't change. Therefore, you will NEVER see a resentful energy about previous relationships from me at this point. All that's said and done, is just that... said and DONE! There is no changing it... as a result I have no energy for it. So if a man is not conscience in a way that he has control (EMOTIONAL INTELLIENCE) over his energy (thoughts, feelings and words)... Stamped and certified... UNDATEABLE!

    Do yourself a favor people... LET THAT SHIT GO!

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  • Acceptance is FREEDOM

    I'd bet money that more than half of the people reading this know The Prayer of Serenity... or at least the fundamental concept of it. It's hung on every grandmother's wall since I can remember. And if you're lucky you've even been privy to her recital. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference." And for as many people that can recite this prayer, I wonder how many people actually actively fulfill this prayer. Because as much as the prayers asks for, it requires something from you as well... ACCEPTANCE!

    I have been saying The Prayer of Serenity more frequently these days as I find myself in "situations" that require "knowing the difference." (OR, as I often say on social media knowing... #TwoDifferentDifferences) And the more I've been saying and even sharing a few of these "situations" with friends and family, it seems as though many have not grasped the concept of this prayer. I say that because when I speak to others about these "situations," their first thought or reaction to my "non-reaction" is that I don't care. And I will admit that it's easy to assume so based on my demeanor and/or conversation. There are in fact SOME things that I give absolutely ZERO fucks about... and then there are other things that I have simply ACCEPTED. (See how that's #TwoDifferentDifferences?)

    I don't know where I first saw it written or heard it said but the saying went something like "Suffering is the non-acceptance of the truth." When I first read it, it resonated deeply. I thought "someone or something can hurt you, but you determine how long you suffer." I was mad as hell in the moment. "You mean to tell me that all the days I spent suffering could have been avoided if I had just accepted the facts as truth in the circumstances?" I answered myself, "YES!"

    My life was forever changed. I thought about all those sleepless nights I cried over failed relationships. Had I accepted it was over quicker, I could have avoided wasting time crying about what wasn't, and could've gotten back to living the life that WAS! Even worse, I thought about all the time I spent wishing for the next moments to be what I wanted them to be. That is a constant state of suffering because you can NEVER control someone else's actions.

    Yet it is my relationship with my children that I gained the best understanding of taking yourself out of suffering and into the realm of acceptance. No matter what you see for your children, the decisions they make for their lives are theirs to do so as they wish. And even though there is heartache in seeing what you know is best for your child or knowing an unnecessary end result is inevitable... if you're looking to live through the difficult moments as your children navigate their own lives, ACCEPTANCE is your safe harbor! In this instance, one would not employ "IDGAF..." however acceptance is both required and necessary for SELF-PRESERVATION!

    In Human Psychology acceptance is a person's assent to the reality of the situation, recognizing a process or condition without trying to change it or protest. Not deny any parts of it nor assigning a meaning to these truths. No good... or bad. No right or wrong. What is... IS! And while I have accepted quite a few things, it is also in the realm of my rights to not tolerate that which I do not like. Acceptance and tolerance are NOT synonymous. One can tolerate what they do not accept. And one can accept what they will not tolerate. So it is because I do not tolerate a few things, that this "you don't care," becomes a part of the conversation. HOWEVER... it's just ACCEPTANCE! I'm DONE getting worked up over "things I cannot change." Personal, business, friends or family. #SorrySORTA

    Acceptance is WORK. Remaining in a state of serenity while things constantly change and evolve requires self-reflection and self-mastery. Acceptance is not a constant; adjustments are OFTEN needed. Yet AS SOON AS I feel an emotion arise out of a situation I can't control, I remind myself... ACCEPTANCE... AND IT IS FREEDOM!

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  • I WILL NOT OMIT PIECES OF MYSELF!

    I have struggled with my sexuality MOST of my life. I use the word struggle because it has often been in conflict with itself. I have used it, I have hated it, I have loved it, I have denied it and now I OWN IT! It has not been an easy road to where I am now. Yet it has been worthwhile

    Throughout different periods of my life there have been offenses to my sexual being. So much so that I disconnected emotionally and spiritually from it at an early age. And the affects of that damage continued into my teenage years as I became sexually promiscuous. I used my sexuality then to garner attention in hopes of filling my empty places but it only created more emptiness. I was far too young too understand the power of my sexuality.

    And then late in my teenage years... another offense, and I HATED my sexuality. It had betrayed me time and time again and I didn't want any parts of it. So I hid it. I hid it with weight and with clothes that covered me from head to toe. There was nothing about my wardrobe that had ANY sexual appeal.

    By my mid 20s, I had been in a relationship that allowed sexual FREEDOM. You know, the kind where you can do things that you didn't do in high school and NOT get judged for doing them. I began to experiment and discover what I liked and focused on my sexuality and I LOVED it. I could swim in the depths of pleasure and it felt good physically.

    Yet it was in my next relationship where my sexuality connected emotionally and spiritually... and it felt SAFE! My sexuality was treated tenderly. And that opened the door for me to FEEL the womanness of my sexuality. Ironically, this was all interrupted with the most turbulent time of my sexuality.

    Feeling the gawk and gaze of 100 men with thoughts filled with vulgarity feels dirty, offensive and hurtful. It was relentless for years and harmful to my spirit. The objectification of my sexuality left my person feeling SOULLESS and damaged beyond repair. The years I spent in the midst of a fight I didn't start with Ford Motor Co. were some of the darkest times of my life. But by my late 20s, although feeling battered and severely bruised... I FOUGHT BACK. And even though that fight was with Ford, I knew inherently without knowing what exactly... that the fight was for something far greater than a monetary award.

    After the lawsuit against Ford, I denied my sexuality. I denied it by telling myself destructive things like the weight that I had put on in my hiding phase (and MORE during the lawsuit) meant that my sexuality was not at the forefront. That if there was an attraction, it would NOT be that. A decade passed before I realized that wasn't true. No matter how my weight fluxuated, sexual advances occured. Then, when a trusted high school friend came on to me, I finally felt comfortable enough to ASK, "what's THAT about?" This was a guy I NEVER thought would be attracted to me, so although his advances took me by complete surprise, I had a desire to understand them. And he said, "Suzette you have a sexual energy that is like raw food. It's natural. Of the essense. Energizing... and it makes one want to devour." I didn't know how to receive that in the moment but he continued, "the problem has not been YOU. I have never seen you TRY to be sexy, you just are. The problem has been that the men you've found yourself in the company of, didn't know how to treat your energy nor did they know how to control the energy of their desire to devour it." It was the proverbial "it's not your fault," and I needed to hear it.

    And in that moment it hit me... the lawsuit was about me TAKING OWNERSHIP OF MY SEXUALITY! My way of saying "NO MORE!" It was then that I began to share my sexuality FREELY during the live shows of Urban Dialog w/Suzette. And some may say too much so now. But, I fought for the FREEDOM of my sexuality and it has been a long hard fight. I now stand in a place where I know my sexuality is not for the taking... IT IS MINE FOR THE GIVING. I DESERVE the space where I NO LONGER OMIT THE PIECES OF ME that once were made to make ME feel uncomfortable. I AM SEXY and I love that I love that about me now. My sexuality... I OWN IT! #SorrySORTA

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