I have struggled with my sexuality MOST of my life. I use the word struggle because it has often been in conflict with itself. I have used it, I have hated it, I have loved it, I have denied it and now I OWN IT! It has not been an easy road to where I am now. Yet it has been worthwhile

    Throughout different periods of my life there have been offenses to my sexual being. So much so that I disconnected emotionally and spiritually from it at an early age. And the affects of that damage continued into my teenage years as I became sexually promiscuous. I used my sexuality then to garner attention in hopes of filling my empty places but it only created more emptiness. I was far too young too understand the power of my sexuality.

    And then late in my teenage years... another offense, and I HATED my sexuality. It had betrayed me time and time again and I didn't want any parts of it. So I hid it. I hid it with weight and with clothes that covered me from head to toe. There was nothing about my wardrobe that had ANY sexual appeal.

    By my mid 20s, I had been in a relationship that allowed sexual FREEDOM. You know, the kind where you can do things that you didn't do in high school and NOT get judged for doing them. I began to experiment and discover what I liked and focused on my sexuality and I LOVED it. I could swim in the depths of pleasure and it felt good physically.

    Yet it was in my next relationship where my sexuality connected emotionally and spiritually... and it felt SAFE! My sexuality was treated tenderly. And that opened the door for me to FEEL the womanness of my sexuality. Ironically, this was all interrupted with the most turbulent time of my sexuality.

    Feeling the gawk and gaze of 100 men with thoughts filled with vulgarity feels dirty, offensive and hurtful. It was relentless for years and harmful to my spirit. The objectification of my sexuality left my person feeling SOULLESS and damaged beyond repair. The years I spent in the midst of a fight I didn't start with Ford Motor Co. were some of the darkest times of my life. But by my late 20s, although feeling battered and severely bruised... I FOUGHT BACK. And even though that fight was with Ford, I knew inherently without knowing what exactly... that the fight was for something far greater than a monetary award.

    After the lawsuit against Ford, I denied my sexuality. I denied it by telling myself destructive things like the weight that I had put on in my hiding phase (and MORE during the lawsuit) meant that my sexuality was not at the forefront. That if there was an attraction, it would NOT be that. A decade passed before I realized that wasn't true. No matter how my weight fluxuated, sexual advances occured. Then, when a trusted high school friend came on to me, I finally felt comfortable enough to ASK, "what's THAT about?" This was a guy I NEVER thought would be attracted to me, so although his advances took me by complete surprise, I had a desire to understand them. And he said, "Suzette you have a sexual energy that is like raw food. It's natural. Of the essense. Energizing... and it makes one want to devour." I didn't know how to receive that in the moment but he continued, "the problem has not been YOU. I have never seen you TRY to be sexy, you just are. The problem has been that the men you've found yourself in the company of, didn't know how to treat your energy nor did they know how to control the energy of their desire to devour it." It was the proverbial "it's not your fault," and I needed to hear it.

    And in that moment it hit me... the lawsuit was about me TAKING OWNERSHIP OF MY SEXUALITY! My way of saying "NO MORE!" It was then that I began to share my sexuality FREELY during the live shows of Urban Dialog w/Suzette. And some may say too much so now. But, I fought for the FREEDOM of my sexuality and it has been a long hard fight. I now stand in a place where I know my sexuality is not for the taking... IT IS MINE FOR THE GIVING. I DESERVE the space where I NO LONGER OMIT THE PIECES OF ME that once were made to make ME feel uncomfortable. I AM SEXY and I love that I love that about me now. My sexuality... I OWN IT! #SorrySORTA




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